Adulting: Cleaning

Your mum always nagged you to clean your room, right? Some mother’s definition of an unclean room is a few dirty clothes and objects on the floor. Some mother’s definition of an unclean room is mountains of dirty clothes, random cups and flatware, accompanied by cutlery, that now accommodates cockroaches, empty food packets and an over-flowing bin. My mother’s definition was the former but if your mother’s definition is the latter, then mate, you’re just gross and I’m not even going to apologise for that remark.

For some, one of the sucky things about being an adult is that out in the big, bad world your mum is not going to be there to pick up after you. You’ve got to do that shit yourself. Some people take it in their stride and allocate a few hours each weekend to get it done and because they do it regularly it’s not that bad. Some people have neighbours that hate them because the filth is spilling into the front yard.
 

I don’t mind cleaning, if I’m cleaning up after myself. I do mind cleaning if I’m cleaning up after other people. It makes me want to set their stuff on fire while I quietly rage inside my head that ‘I am no one’s maid, why the hell am I cleaning’ and politely comment out loud that some help would be nice.

There are some things I have learned about cleaning over the years though. Numero uno? Vinegar and bi-carb soda are your friends. They’re effective and they’re cheap.

Vinegar helps to remove soap scum, light calcium build-up and is great for cleaning windows and mirrors (accompanied by paper towel). Mixed with water (1 part vinegar, 3 parts water) it may also help deodorise if it is safe to do so on the material you’re trying it on.

Bi-carb is great for stains as a paste (once again, if it is safe to do so on the material you’re trying it on), cleaning up cooking oil mess (make it into a paste) like that of the inside of an oven or rangehood filter, as a carpet cleaner/deodoriser (sprinkle it over the carpet about 5-10 minutes before you vacuum) and as a fridge deodoriser (keep a patty pan full in the back of a fridge to soak up weird smells).

If the calcium build-up in your bathroom or laundry is insane then hydrochloric acid is an adequate choice, however, wear a mask and gloves because that shit is nasty.

Got louvres? Wrap microfibre cloths around a set of tongs and fasten there with rubber bands to get in there properly.

Ceiling fans that don’t get a lot of use? Cover them with a pair of pantyhose to stop the dust from building up on them. Remove them when you want to use the fan and pop them in the wash.

Tops of shelves you’ve been ignoring? Layer newspaper or wrapping paper on top to collect the dust and change them every few months.

Best time to clean the shower? When you’re in it (remember to clear the drain of hair). Best time to clean your bath? Just after you get out but right before you pull the plug.

Mouldy walls? Fill a mop bucket with water, add about a teaspoon of clove oil (no more otherwise it won’t work) and clean the walls with a sponge mop.

Can’t be arsed doing the dishes? Rinse everything thoroughly, it’ll buy you one or two days until you have a sink load (at the most). Not doing the dishes straight away or not thoroughly rinsing runs the risk of attracting things like cockroaches, ants and mice.

Things that should be cleaned weekly? Bathroom, toilet, kitchen, floors, dusting and linen change (the dusting should always be done before doing the floors). Remember to vacuum inside the runners of doors and windows too.

Things that should be cleaned every few months? The fridge, pantry, ceiling fans, forgotten spaces (behind the fridge or washing machine, lamp shades, backs of cupboards), curtains (blinds come under dusting), other things I may have forgotten.

To keep on top of the laundry, before jumping into the shower every evening, strip off in the laundry (if it’s not outside like some NT homes) and chuck your dirty clothes straight in the machine then once the machine is full (two or three days later) wash them. Hang them out straight away. If you can’t and your machine is modern, set the delay function until you know you can hang it out. Someone who is too slow at hanging out their washing can be smelled a mile away. If you’ve got particularly grubby clothes and the machine has a soak function, use it. If it doesn’t have that function then use the laundry trough, that’s what it’s designed for (not to store crap in, storing stuff is for the cupboard underneath). There’s no need for fancy, branded soakers either. Lectric Washing Soda does the trick at half the price. It is the active ingredient we’re chasing after all.

Rounding up, the things essential to your cleaning arsenal:
Mop and bucket
Dustpan and banister brush set
Vacuum cleaner
Ordinary plastic bucket, gloves, mask
Steel wool, microfibre cloths, half scourer/half sponge combo, paper towel
Vinegar, bi-carb soda, draino and hydrochloric acid if you’re desperate
Bleach, toilet cleaner, disinfectant
Clove oil, eucalyptus oil
And the obvious laundry and dishwashing detergents

Yoo hoo! Your house is dirty!